I Love You, I Love You Not
by BlueIce
Summary: Tai and Joe are best friends and roommates at the university; everything is right, until a certain Matt Ishida enters in their life, and everything goes wrong for the two of them. Warnings: Yaoi & lime for everyone! CHAPTER 4 NOW UP!
1. Hey Baby

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU NOT 

Disclaimer= if I owned Digimon do you really think that Matt would have married Sora?

Teti= here you are another ficcie from myself. This will be a few shots story, with long chapters (maybe). It's another AU (what's with me and alternate universes lately?!), where Tai and Joe are best friends and roommates at the university. I'm using dubbed names because this time they fit better.

Sorry if this chapter will suck (I don't know if it will, because I'm going to write it now), but I'm listening to Marilyn Manson's 'Disposable Teens' and I'm a bit disturbed right now. Thank KoNy who got me hooked on that song! ^__^. Anyway, Manson's not my cup of tea, so don't worry. 

Sorry for the crappy title, but I couldn't come up with something better.

Chibimon= hey Teti, aren't you forgetting something?

Teti= oh yeah. I wanted to thank infinitely CSMars for pointing out to me my HUGE mistake on Chapter 5 of 'Never Give Up'. I wrote '_tell him I'm a guy'**, **_but actually it was _'DON'T tell him I'm a guy'. _Arigatou CSMars-san!

And evi, don't worry about maths. I just got one bad mark (and actually it isn't even that bad), but I hate it anyways. And my teacher is Sora's secret twin. That says a lot itself.

**WARNINGS= ****Yaoi, Taito, Jyouto, so all of you close-minded people stay away from this and don't flame me! Rated for swearing and maybe some lime-y scenes in later chapters.**

~Hey Baby~ 

"Oh my head…." A very confused Tai Kamiya exclaimed to no one. The previous night he had gotten _extremely_ drunk with some friends of his and he was feeling now the effects of the hangover.

"I swear I won't drink that much ever again" he said, while entering the kitchen where his roommate, who was also his best friend, Joe Kido was tasting his usual coffee.

"Good morning you too Sunshine" Joe said to the wild-haired boy, who was finding difficult opening the fridge.

"Damn devilry! Why they have to make these things so difficult?!" he asked, still very drunk.

"Actually Tai, it's just a matter of power. If you grab the handle this way, forcefully, then you pull it and, voilà, it's opened!" he lectured the younger boy with sarcasm, grinning from cheek to cheek.

"Shut up, Kido. I know perfectly how to open a damn fridge, it's just that this morning I'm not myself" Tai replied.

He heard Joe murmur a 'when are you yourself?' but he thought it was better say nothing.

He grabbed the milk and he versed it on a cup, _his_ cup, a word which Joe had learned in a bad way.

"Tai, are you fine enough to go to the lessons this morning? If you don't feel well I'll warn the teacher so you can stay here to rest until the headache will fade away" the blue haired youth proposed his soon-to-be-sick friend.

"Uh…I don't know Joe…today's lesson is important…but in this condition I don't think I'll be able to concentrate…" he mumbled pensive "on the other hand, if I stay in the room and you warn the lecturer I will recuperate this morning in another day, when I'll be completely fine"

"So, I guess you can stay here, but please clean your own room. Mine is tidy, but I don't dare thinking about yours" Joe shivered at the thought

"What's wrong with my room?!" Tai asked, a bit offended.

"It's just that I know how messed up it is when you're sober…and I don't want to see how it is now that you are drunk…that would scar my entire life for the rest of my days" Joe chuckled.

"Oh this is your opinion about me?" Tai grinned "I'm hurt, really am. Now go away. And I'll try to find the pieces of my broken soul"

'It's like talking to a 12-year-old instead of a 19…when will he grow up?' Joe smiled at the thought.

He and Tai argued a lot, but they were the best of friends. When one was in trouble, or he felt depressed, the other one was always ready to cheer him up. They were now like brothers and felt that nothing and nobody could ever separate them.

He left the brunette at his breakfast and directed to his lesson of  Architecture, while Tai was attempting at the Veterinary class. 

*~*~*~*~*

"Hello Mr Ishida, you are the welcome in Odaiba University. What lesson have you chosen?" the secretary of the university asked to a young man, with deep blue eyes and golden hair.

"Hello Mrs Naozomi, I'm pleased to meet you. I've chosen to follow the Law class, if it isn't already full" he answered hopeful to the secretary; ha had always dreamed to be a lawyer, so he could defend the poor and the innocent people who were charged with cases of murders, just like those TV movies he loved.

"Uhm…let me check" Mrs Naozumi said "you're lucky young man, there's just one sit available. You're starting this course Monday morning, at the beginning of the week. Until that day, you'll have to wait. Meanwhile we've found a room for you, with two roommates. It's a good room, big and spacious and there's place for three. What do you think about?"

"I think it's perfect, I like knowing new people and I bet we'll get along just fine" the blonde exclaimed smiling.

The secretary smiled in return, then she gave him the keys of his new "house". Room 354-K, third floor, second corridor on the left. This way he couldn't possibly get lost. Wait, where was the staircase?!

*~*~*~*~*

"The Gothic style was born in France in the 13th-14th centuries. The name was given by the Renaissance artists, who considered it a barbaric style. It was…" the teacher explained, but right then the bell rang. The students sighed with relief. It was finally over. Nor that it wasn't interesting, it was just that this teacher had a so monotone and boring little voice that it was hard to stay awake.

Joe stretched his arms and legs and yawned noisily. His friends curved an eyebrow puzzled. Joe _never _got bored in a lesson, even if it was about the politic system of the ants. This was a day to remember. 

Joe was going to go to the cafeteria for a drink, when someone stopped him. He turned round and faced an angel. Well, at least in his opinion. He, he had to be a fallen angel. Yes, a _he_. No human could possibly be so pure, so perfect, so heavenly. He barely noticed that the boy was talking to him, to _him_, of all the mortals, this little piece of Heaven was talking to him, Joe Kido. But he couldn't distinct a single word, too hypnotized by those ocean pool, so deep and blue he felt himself drowning in them.

"Uhm…ex… me…can you….room…" the blonde was saying certainly much more, but he could understand only few, incomplete words. No he tried to focus on what he was _really_ saying.

"Uh…sorry, I wasn't listening" he half-lied "can you repeat?"

The blonde made a weird face. He couldn't tell if he was confused or annoyed. _Great Joe, a fantastic way to introduce yourself to an angel._

"Okay…" the unknown youth said "I asked you if you could help me find my room. I just got here and I don't know here it is"

"Of course, here, let me see which room they assigned you" he took the piece of paper the blonde was holding and almost fainted. He read again. No, there were no mistakes. Room 354-K, third floor, second corridor on the left. His room. His _own _room.

"Hey, how little the world is!" he exclaimed happily

"Why is that?" the blonde asked, puzzled.

"Because this is exactly my room! We're going to be roommates now on" he answered the new boy.

"Cool! So we're going to be living together? I'm Ishida Yamato, but my friends call me Matt" he introduced himself.

Ishida Yamato, what a musical name… 

"I'm Kido Jyou, but you can call me Joe" he smiled, then added "I've another roommate, Tai Kamiya, who's a weird boy but he's funny as Hell. Come on, let me walk you to our room"

Matt nodded, so they walked together to the room. During the journey they chatted about stuff, family, school, just as they were long time friends.

When they finally arrived at the "apartment" they heard weird noises from inside. Matt looked puzzled the blue haired boy, who just shrugged. They opened the room, to find an unclothed Tai with only his underwear on who was dancing on the table of the living room listening to some break-ears house music from one of his CDs. The two just arrived boy remained speechless, the blonde one with wide eyes and a blush who was colouring his pretty cheeks and the other one with the jaw on the floor, who almost unconsciously closed the door behind them.

Tai froze in his place, in a very compromising position and paled. _Oh holy shit…_

"Uhm…uh…Matt, this is the Tai I was talking about before…Tai this is Matt Ishida, he's going to be our roommates" Joe tried to recover from the shock to find his best friend dancing like a porno star. _This will mark me for life. I just hope he isn't drunk again…_

"Er…hi Matt, I'm Tai…" the said brunette introduced himself, trying to not to think that he had just made a fool of himself in front of a person who _wasn't _Joe.

"Uh…hi Tai, pleased to meet you too" Matt said almost shyly "anyway Tai, don't worry about _that_. I've done something ten times worse" he told the brunette grinning, to cheer him up.

This caught the wild haired boy's attention. There really was someone worse than him?

"What did you do?" he asked curious.

Joe sighed with relief for the second time that morning. Maybe the situation wasn't too embarrassing anymore.

"Well you see…" Matt began sheepishly, but smiling, while he sat down on a chair "two years ago, when I was seventeen, me and my friends went to a party in one of, well…that kind of locals…" he blushed a bit at the thought " anyway, I had drank way too much and wasn't myself. One of the guys made a stupid bet and I accepted, not knowing what bet it was. The make a long story short, I found myself doing a strip dance in front of them on the notes of '9 weeks and half'…Now, _that _was embarrassing…"

Joe couldn't help but imagine Matt doing a strip dance…That thought was turning him on…

"This is really terrible…I'm sorry for you man" Tai said, now happy again. _Maybe I'm not the only idiot in the world…_he thought chuckling between himself.

"Oh, no problem. After all, I gained 500 yens because of that bet and I wasn't sober enough to remember all of the details, so, no big deal" the blonde grinned.

Then words  flew like water. Just like old friends do, all of them chatted, laughed, joked, about everything and nothing in particular, just enjoying being together.

Tai felt very comfortable with this new boy; there was no real reason, it just felt right being close to him; he was funny and smart, not an academic intelligence, but more a street one, the intelligence you got living in the true sense of the words. _This boy will be a great roommate, I bet it!_

*~*~*~*~*

"Tai! Where the heck did you put my blue shirt?!"

A sunny morning of autumn of some weeks later found three boys just waking up, or better, trying to wake up, but still very sleepy. The blonde known as Matt was storming around the apartment trying to find his favourite shirt, which yesterday was strangely on Tai's chair. And this morning was nowhere to be found.

"Hey Matt, there are people who would like to sleep here!" Joe shouted from his bed.

"Sorry Joe" Matt excused himself, then repeated "Tai! Where the hell did you put my blue shirt?!"

"Matt, please, I'm tired and I don't know anything about your stupid shirt! Why don't you try looking in your armchair?" a very sleepy Tai murmured, not understanding why the blonde boy was so irritated. He had only used to shirt the previous evening, while his friends was studying for his exam, to go out with some friends. The only problem he had lacerated it just a little bit, but it wasn't his fault. Well, it was a little bit in his opinion. Actually it was more completely torn from shoulder to stomach than just lacerated a little bit. Of course Matt didn't know this. And it was better if he kept to knowing it.

"Oh no, Mr Big-Hair-Rocks, don't you start with me" the blonde said now _really _pissed off " you know I know you had it last evening, so don't play little innocent boy. I want my shirt. And I want it _now_" he warned dangerously.

"Matt, don't you have an exam in half an hour?" Joe remembered him, now completely awake.

"Oh shit, you're right! Listen Taichi Kamiya, if I don't find my shirt when I come back from the class, you'll be as good as dead. And I mean it". With a last death glare the blonde left the room.

"Geez, thanks dude, you saved me!" Tai thanked the older boy, who just shrugged.

"Now it's better if you find that shirt quickly, because I don't think next time you'll be as lucky. I won't be here anytime to save your back from the menace of the Infamous Yamato Ishida" he joked.

Tai just nodded, then directed to bed again.

'Stupid blonde ' Joe heard him murmur 'Stupid _beautiful _blonde'.

The 20-year-old young man blinked. He should have imagined it. Yes it had to be his imagination. Oh come on, Tai couldn't possibly be gay, he had had dozens of girls! He had to be straight, hadn't he? He was sure he was straight.

Just not as sure as he had been five minutes ago.

_*tsuzuku*_

Teti= okay, I got tired of writing, and was running out of ideas, so I had to stop it here. I intended this to be a two chapters story but it came out this way. I hope it was worth the work ^___^ I have to say that I've found my biggest inspiration in Linkin Park's Cd, "Hybrid Theory". It's great!

Chibimon= some feedbacks would be appreciated, because she wants to know if you like her writing

Teti= and isn't it what every author out there wants?

Chibimon= gotcha

Teti= oh, and evi, can you leave your e-mail address? I'd like to chat with you once or twice ^__~v


	2. Bliss

Disclaimer= the same ol' stuff, never own Digimon, never will

Teti= ciao everybody! Sorry for the waiting ^___^ anyway I wanted to thank everyone who reviewed so nicely! You made my day!

About the Taito-or-Jyouto stuff, I thought about it a very long time and I've made a decision which *I think* will satisfy both of the parts. I hope. I'm sorry for my grammar mistakes, but, remember, English is not my native language _*waves Italian banners* ^__^_

I want to ask you a thing which isn't about fics or Digimon; do you know what is the title for the song Christopher Alan sings for 'Harry Potter, the movie'? I downloaded it by mistake and I love it! Please help me ^___^

Now revised and correct, thanks to WildfireFriendship! 

********************************

                                                            I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU NOT 

****

****

                                                                          ~Bliss~ 

Joe was speechless. He hoped, he *really* hoped that was he had heard wasn't true. It simply wasn't possible. And it wasn't *unfair*. Tai got everything he wanted, in a way or another. He had everything a guy could desire. Looks, popularity and girls. The brunette had a tanned muscular body who made every girl drool over him. He was the captain of the Odaiba Soccer Club, and, even if he was studying to become a veterinarian, he could play in any professional Japanese club . Joe remembered he had heard some guys talking about a contract with a famous European club, so he was famous evin in the rest of the world.

Now, this. Matt. Joe had never been once jealous of his talented friend, because…well… not even he knew why. He just was happy and proud of his roommate.

And he didn't want to change it. He wouldn't have let a crush, yes, it was _just_ crush, ruin the perfect bond he and Taichi shared. And on the other hand, he didn't know if Matt felt the same way towards the brunette or himself. Heck, he didn't even know if he swung that way!

These and many other questions troubled the mind of the young Joe Kido, that winter morning, when his dark haired roommate went back to bed. 

Well, thinking about it better, it wasn't as hard as he had first thought. Tai wasn't the only person in the whole world, who knows how many other guys and girls were after the blonde bishounen. He bet in  a very few weeks he would have the whole university drooling over him. Maybe this was an effect he had on people…(A/N: hell, yeah!)

He tried to send away that thought from his mind, because he would have just gotten himself and headache without deciding anything. He just let the things the way they had been before.

"Hey Big Boy, are you visiting aliens from space or what?" a voice behind him said amused.

"Uh…what?" he asked puzzled; he didn't have a clue about what Tai was saying.

"It looked as if your mind was on another planet" the brunette chuckled "Did some girl steal our artist's heart?" he joked

'You don't know just _how _wrong you are' Joe thought, frowning lightly "Very funny Tai" he said, trying to sound convincing. 

The wild-haired boy raised an eyebrow, a bit taken back. "Hey, you're not angry because of that little joke, I hope! Geez, Joe, I was just wondering what was in your head!" he exclaimed, a bit preoccupied. What was the matter with him now?

"Oh, no problems. Anyway, don't worry, I just zoned off for a bit, I was thinking about exams" he told his friend, lying.

"Ah, okay. If that's all I won't have to look after you" he grinned maliciously

"Oh, my hero, you'll leave me alone? How am I supposed to survive without you?" Joe exclaimed melodramatically. They looked in each other's eyes and both burst in laughter. 

Well, after all, this day wasn't as bad as it had begun anymore, Joe thought, then suddenly remember a little, important thing.

"Tai!!! Find that damn shirt! Or we'll both  be in trouble!"

*~*~*~*~*~*

A chestnut-haired girl was sitting in the university cafeteria looking very nervous. _What if he rejects me? What if he doesn't like me? What if, what if…_

She was about to ask the boy she liked, who was also one of her childhood closest friend, to go on a date with her. And she hoped he felt the same.

"Hi Mimi!" the said boy greeted her warmly "Long time no see! "

"Hey Matt…" she murmured "How are you?"

"I'm fine, but what about you? Why did you want to see me?" the blonde asked smiling. "Well…you see…I…I…" she tried to speak, but she found it difficult.

"You…what? Come on Mimi, you know you can tell me everything" Matt encouraged her.

Revived, the girl finally told the blonde, or better, blurted out her feelings for him.

"And…well…I…was wondering if we could go out once…" she finished, her heart in the throat.

Matt looked funny; he wasn't angry, but wasn't happy either…he was…sad? Why was he sad for?!

"Mimi…I don't know how tell you this…but, well, promise me you won't freak out…" he looked at her almost with fear. Mimi nodded, puzzled. What was he going to say?

"I'm…not into women" he admitted, now sounding *very* scared.

For a moment she was speechless, but when she saw that his friend had taken her silence as repulsion, tried to speak, even though it was hard.

"No, Matt, I'm not disgusted, don't worry" the blonde sighed with relief "I'm just surprised; I didn't see it coming" she concluded smiling.

"I'm a great actor" he grinned, then frowned "Are you sure you're okay? I couldn't stand it if I'd hurt you" 

"No, no, it was just a crush, I'll get over it soon" she smiled, believing her own words. It didn't hurt that much, anyway. "So, I guess now I can take you with me when I go shopping" she joked, knowing how much the blonde hated shopping. 

Matt made a fake hurt look "Are you implying that I'm a girl now?" he asked her, his eyes sparkling in a funny way. 

When Mimi nodded, he added "Maybe I can like guys, but not because of this I want to be a girl"

"Oh, I wouldn't know.." she said maliciously "What about that pink apron you wore when you cooked?".

"Hey, take it back! That was the only apron I had!" Matt replied.

"Hey, okay, okay, don't get all defensive now!" she giggled "I was joking!". She heard a 'you better had to' and chuckled.

"Anyway, my dear friend, have you someone in mind who's better than the beauty who's sat in front of you?" she asked him curious.

"What beauty? I can't see anyone here" he looked all over the cafeteria "Anyway, Miss Universe, actually there *is* someone, but I don't know if it's just a crush or something deeper. And I don't know if he feels the same towards me" he informed his friend, a bit sadly.

"Who's he? Who's he?" she almost jumped him, tore by the curiosity "Do I know him? Is he one of your roommates?"

"Hey, this is a public cafeteria, so would you please speak less loudly? Maybe you're new, but I have a reputation here" he half joked, half tried to calm the over excited girl. "About your questions, one, yes, he is one of my roommates, two, no, you wouldn't know him" he admitted, but added "but you could, if you want I can introduce you to them"

"Oh it would be perfect!! And are these guys cute?" she exclaimed enthusiastically.

He smiled; this was the Mimi Tachikawa he knew and loved, even though just like a sister.

"Oh, you could bet. He is just so kind and polite with me, and funny, and handsome, and…" he had to stop the decantation of his love's qualities, because Mimi was shaking his arm. "What now?"

"You said you didn't want to be a girl, but now you're acting just like a boy-crazy schoolgirl. And besides, people are watching" she sighed, amused by his friend behaviour, the same friend who was now blushing furiously. In fact, many students were giving them weird looks. 

Mimi laughed at Matt, red in face and with eyes ready to kill. He muttered something which sounded like 'why this always happens to me?!' and she laughed even more, but stopped abruptly seeing how embarrassed Matt was.

"And what would be the lucky guy's name?" she asked, to break the silence.

Matt sighed, but then he confided it to her "Joe" he said "Joe Kido"

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Aw, my left ear is buzzing" Joe told Tai, who was studying at his desk.

"Then someone is talking about you in a good way" the brunette answered him, without lifting his head up; he was an expert in this kind of things.

"Maybe it's a teacher" Joe said, bored. He had nothing to do, nor to study and was wandering around the apartment. 

"Will you leave school out of something once?" Tai retorted irritably. Next day there was a very important class and he had to be prepared perfectly, but some concept wouldn't fit in his already troubled mind; so he was in a very bad mood right then and didn't want to be disturbed.

Joe, who knew him too well, let him be and went to sat on his bed. Maybe a little nap would be something to do, instead of annoying his friend.

Just when he was drifting in a relaxing sleep, he heard the door opening. "This must be Matt" said Tai, who had closed his book. When Joe made a questioning look, he just shrugged.

"I've studied enough for today. And I'm tired as hell" he grinned 

"Hey guys! Come here, I want to introduce you someone!" they heard Matt's voice from the living room.

Joe and Tai got up, curious to meet that someone. When they entered in the room they saw their blonde friend laughing with a chestnut pretty girl, who looked younger than them. She greeted them smiling.

"Hi! I'm Mimi, an old friend of that type who's sat there" she introduced herself. "You must be…"

"Tai, I'm Tai Kamiya, and this is Joe Kido" Tai answered her. Joe noticed that the girl was looking particularly at him and wondered why.

"Mimi has come to visit me, so she'll stay a few days with us. No, not in this room" he added quickly "the Headmaster has found her a temporarily room with another girl; she will see how this university works, because she's going to write an article for the 'Odaiba Gazette'" he said proudly.

"Wow, we have a journalist here with us! And are you paid well?" Tai asked her excited. The two went in a dense conversation about journalism, sport and fame and soon forgot about the rest.

Matt shook his head, but he was smiling content. Mimi was so social and funny to talk with, she had no problem making new friendships and he was happy about it.

He quickly gave a look around and found Joe staring at him, looking very troubled. What was going on?

"Uhm…Matt, I've something to tell you…but not here; can you come in my bedroom?" Joe blurted out. Matt looked over at Mimi and saw her giving him an encouraging sign. He sighed, breathed deeply and followed Joe. He didn't notice a pair of chocolate eyes glaring at him in a weird way. But Mimi did. And frowned lightly.

*~*~*~*~*~*

_I have to know, I can't go on like this anymore. If I don't tell him I'm going to explode._

"So, Joe, what did you want to tell me?" the blonde asked him, when they both sat on the blue-haired youth's bed.

"I..well..wanted to know…if…there's something between you and Mimi" he asked precipitately.

Matt looked hurt. Why? Maybe there *really* was a mutual feeling between the two of them…He had no chance against someone pretty as Mimi, he admitted to himself sadly.

"No…we are just friends; I love her, but she's like a sister to me" Matt spoke so quietly that Joe almost didn't hear him. "Why did you ask it? Do you like her?" he added the last part slowly, as if it cost him much pain to say those words.

"No, no…it's not that at all" Joe answered him quickly. At the puzzled look Matt wore, Joe couldn't give a clarifying. But, almost unconsciously, he muttered that it wasn't her who he liked.

"What?!" came an high, strident scream, escaped from the blonde's lips. Matt's eyes were wide, dark and he looked…hopeful?

"Who do you like Joe?" he asked him seriously, approaching him, looking straight into his black eyes. "Please, I need to know". Their faces were by now few inches apart and the shorter boy was watching the taller one apprehensively. 

"I…I…" Joe stammered, blushing violently "I like you" he whispered, expecting a rejection, an insult, anything but that: Matt squeaking happily, positioning his arms around his neck and crashing his cherry lips on his own. He remained still, unable to move, but then he snapped out from the shock and responded to the kiss, wrapping his arms around the blonde's waist.

The sound of an applause interrupted the two loving birds, who looked over the door to see and enthusiastic Mimi and a shocked Tai clapping their hands.

"Congratulations!! I'm so happy for you!!!" the girl exclaimed with a huge grin and with genuine happiness written all over her face. On the other hand, Tai wasn't saying anything, too shocked to put two letters together, but, with a big effort, he muttered a 'Congratulations' him too.

Joe smiled, still with his arm around Matt's slender waist, who was radiating joy from all of his being . He was the living essence of joy, with his sparkling blue eyes and his flushed and red face, where a smile of pure bliss was drawn from cheek to cheek.

Tai couldn't help but think how cute they looked together; and he felt a sharp pain inside, so deep that it made his heart ache. He couldn't bear the seen anymore and, telling the others that he had to go to the toilet, he ran away, from the only thing he had really desired, for the first time in his life, and which was now denied to him. Even before he had the chance to have him for himself. Thanks to his former best friend.

*******~****tsuzuku****~*******

Teti= I think it was too sappy, I don't like how it turned out. Anyway, please tell me what you think about it, please!!!!! I'd like to get some reviews, you know? ^___^

And Taito fans, please don't kill me! I said I had an idea to make both Taito and Jyouto fans happy, so you'll have to wait until the next chapter…


	3. Carpe Diem

Disclaimer= too tired to write one right now…read the first chapter

Teti= hiya, did you miss me? sorry for this enormous waiting, but I have been *so* busy with school and stuff…I got my results two days ago and they were good! Surprising even math!

 I had lost my inspiration for writing, but now, re-reading your exquisite reviews, I've come to term to write again. Or, at least, to try to. It's 11.30 at night, so don't expect a masterpiece from this chapter, okay ^__^? I don't know how much a seminar lasts, so I am making it up for the story.

**About the Taito/Jyouto, I think the conclusion I had chosen wasn't right for this. I'll explain more when the chapter is finished. **

**Warning: THIS PART HAS LIME!!! I love lemons like the next person, but I'm not able to  write graphic, sorry.**

**Now enjoy!**

****

I Love You, I Love You Not 

****

**~****Carpe Diem****~******

One week had passed since that day. So happy and joyful for two people, and so grievous for another. There was a third being, a watcher, who said nothing about the whole situation. She knew what were the feelings between the three of them, but couldn't bear to express them to the direct interested. Those were problems they had to solve by themselves. Under the apparent stillness and merriness, there was a thin layer of tension and uneasiness, of whom neither Matt, Joe, nor Tai ever spoke a word about. That atmosphere of  restlessness, yet,  was still fluttering upon the guys, getting heavier and heavier with the passing of the time. 

Mimi, with her concern, was stuck in the middle. Why did those things always happened to her?! She seemed to have an attraction for getting involved with other people's sentimental lives. It was a  natural gift.

One Saturday evening, the room was oddly quiet. It looked as if there was nobody inside, so peaceful and quiet as it was. There were, by contrary, three full of life guys inside, whose vitality was only dozed for a little. Two of them were sitting of the couch, with their hands entwined together, and a blonde head leaning on the other's shoulder. The third person was spread on his bed, apparently watching some silly TV show; actually he was more watching the two lover birds, or better, one golden-haired lover bird, while his heart was sinking and his soul crashing once again. 

Thoughts of him, thoughts of them, they were driving him mad. He couldn't get the picture of Matt and Joe kissing out of his head. The shock, the anguish and the complete desperation he had felt in those little fragments of moments had left their marks. Invisible, ever-present marks.

A sigh came from the living room, were the object of his secret affections was resting. With Joe.

He heard the sound of someone getting up, and went to join his friends to see what their were doing. Or what he hoped they were _not _doing.

Joe was the one standing tall, while Matt was still sleeping peacefully. Joe and Tai looked at him with desire; he was so unearthly gorgeous, his beauty was breathtaking.

"I have to go, Tai" Joe announced his friend suddenly, who almost didn't hear him, too hypnotized by the blonde sleeping. 

Tai was slowing to answer and this worried Joe. His friends wasn't acting like himself at all lately; he just hoped he wasn't jealous of his relationship with Matt.

"Why are you telling me this?" Tai said "shouldn't you warn Matt before?" he asked, a little vexed.

"He already knows, I was just advising you that I must be out of town for two weeks; I've got to go to a seminar in Kyoto, and I won't be back until then" Joe explained quietly, knowing this wouldn't please his roommate.

"What?!" Tai yelled, then lowed his tone to not wake up Matt "I'm your best friend, Joe; or at least I hope I still am" he added, resentful "maybe we're not as close as before, but I think it's my right to know that you've got to be away for two, three, four days or even more! When were you planning to tell me this, the second before you'd leave? And how would you have told me, with just a "hey Tai, I'm going to Kyoto, take care for the room", kisses, hugs and nothing else?! You've deluded me, Joe Kido" he blurted out, a whisper the last part

Joe didn't know what to say; he felt guilty, for what his friend had told was true. It was just that…that…that he didn't believe Tai anymore.

Since the morning of his confession to Matt, he had feared him, he was afraid that Tai would have stolen his blonde koishii from him, sooner or later. And the prospective of being far from home wasn't helping any, so he had let time pass by, waiting the day of his departure.

Matt didn't know why Joe hadn't told Tai yet, but, seeing as the blue-haired youth was uneasy with the situation, didn't mention it again. He just thought that between Tai and Joe there had to be some tensions. He just hoped it was not because of him.

Tai took the silence the wrong way, or better, the right way. His friend did not trust him anymore. The truth hit him full force and he stared speechless at Joe. How could he, how could he?!

The younger boy didn't say a word, he just turned and went back to his bed, locking the door behind him.

Joe sighed sadly. Tai had all of the reasons to hate him now. He had broken their friendship. When he left the room to finish his trunk, he noticed two piercing blue eyes glaring at him, puzzled. He turned to his boyfriend and, putting on his best fake smile, he reassured him:

"Don't worry, it's just a little quarrel; he will get over it soon, trust me" he grinned. _Trust me, _these words stung him like a needle.

Matt nodded, but didn't look too convinced yet. He didn't believe him; this time, it was a serious matter. 

*~*~*~*~*

"Have you taken everything you may need?" a troubled Matt asked Joe, while looking for possible forgotten things; he was maniacal when it came to such a matter like a departing or anything related with arranging and cleaning up, like Tai and Joe had learned at their expenses.

"Yes, I have my toothbrush, my toothpaste,  my comb, my pyjamas, my socks, shoes and slippers. There are six pairs of underwear, and some jeans, shirts and a suit as well; can I go now Mummy?" Joe smirked innocently, while the blonde patted him jokingly on the head, leaned over and stamped a light kiss on his lips. He then looked at Joe in the eyes and, very quietly, he whispered him he would have missed him; his voice trembled slightly.

Joe hugged him lovingly. "I will miss you too" he reassured his fiancé, "every single second away from you will be like an eternity for me"

"Oh, please" a very annoyed Tai Kamiya snapped "you will be in Kyoto for just two weeks , and you make it looks like two years!"

"Thanks for killing the mood here, Kamiya" Joe mumbled sheepishly. Matt made a funny face, half amused and half embarrassed, for being discovered showing such affection. Tai just grinned.

Suddenly a chestnut girl stormed in the room, falling on top of a very flushed Joe.

"Oh my God, sorry Joe! I was running like a mad for fear of missing your departure, I did not want to crash in the room this way" she excused herself cheerfully.

"Now, if you would only get off of him ,we would all be very happy, Mimi dear" Matt ordered, falsely jealous and irritated, smirking in a malicious way.

Mimi faked a hurt look. "What, do you think I would steal him away from you, Lover Boy?" she asked chuckling, sticking out her tongue to him.

Joe and Tai laughed noisily at the comic side of the situation. These two ere always teasing each other, just like brother and sister.

Joe sent a look at the clock and noticed he was in a tremendous delay and sprang up unexpectedly.

"I'm late for the plane! I have to run off!" he exclaimed troubled. He said farewell to everyone, dwelling more upon Matt, who hugged him and wished him luck. He then left the room and ran towards to exit of the university, were a taxi was waiting for him to arrive.

Matt sighed, he was already missing his koibito. It is just two weeks, he repeated himself; but he felt something very bad was going to happen. He hoped it was just a feeling.

*~*~*~*~*

Kyoto was unspeakably beautiful, with its amazing old gardens, parks and temple, a paradise for every art lover; Joe was enjoying himself there, but he missed his boyfriend terribly. He wondered what he was doing in that precise moment…

…

"Achoo!" Matt sneezed. Someone was thinking about him.

"Bless you!" Tai exclaimed from the kitchen. Matt murmured a "thanks", then went back to study.

Tai stole a look at the blonde. Oh, how he wished he was his. Joe very incredibly lucky to have such beauty for himself. He couldn't stand it anymore, he had to do something about it, had to make Matt forget Joe. At least for a night.

The blonde, in effect, felt alone without his blue-haired beloved near him. Yes, Tai was certain a good friend, and Mimi was always there to cheer him up, but he still felt loneliness. And it had only been two days. He did not know how he would have survived two whole weeks.

The brunette had made his decision. He would make Matt his. The problem was, how? The lithe youth was certainly loyal to his lover, and would not betray him so easily. Tai had just one weapon to use, loneliness. And loneliness would be his winning card.

For the next four days he tried to get closer and closer to his blonde more-than-a-friend. He talked to him often, he joked and laughed with him, they made tricks to Mimi together and together they ran away from her. The girl, in fact, was still in the university, enjoying too much her life there and asking for a prerogative of her staying. 

A Sunday afternoon saw two friends sat on the couch together, watching some action films and eating some junk food. Or better, a wild haired boy was eating junk food, the other one found it unhealthy and untasty. 

Tai's heart exulted. Those had been the happiest days of his life; he had never felt so linked to anyone and this closeness was almost too great to stand. His desire for the blonde was unbearable, suffocated too much and now going to explode. This was the perfect moment for the last part of his plan: Mission Almost Possible Yamato part III. He was proud of that name.

He closed the distance between him and Matt, unnoticed by the slender boy. Tai breathed deeply, then turned his head, to find the said blonde staring at him, with a weird and mistakable expression written all over his godly face. Tai blinked, and looked away. Matt returned his staring to the TV. Now, however, there was an unnerving silence. The brunette had lost all of his courage looking into those amazing blue pools. He sighed, trying to gain again his bravery to perform that last, desirable act. 

He turned again to Matt, who this time was not looking at him at all; Tai put an hand on his shoulder, making Matt staring at him confused. He leaned over and kissed the blonde passionately on the lips, while the other hand remained still on Matt's hip.

The blonde froze. No, no, no, this was not supposed to happen! Thoughts of Joe crossed his mind, yet his body did not obey him anymore. He felt himself respond eagerly to the kiss, wrapping his arms around Tai's neck, who smiled in the kiss.

He was betraying Joe, but why, oh why this felt so right? He had always thought that Tai was rather cute, a rough cuteness, very appealing, yet he did not feel attracted to him other than that. These past four days, still, had changed a little his mind. Tai was a great companion, funny and nice to be with. Joe was always so serious… 

During this week he had gotten to know Tai better, and found him a charming person. He indeed felt drawn to the brunette, but he did not know what this was. A crush? An infatuation? Or something deeper?

These were the thoughts that crossed the mind of Matt Ishida, while Tai Kamiya was still kissing him, now harder. 

The blonde thought about how much he had felt alone without Joe, and how Tai had helped him through. _Live in the present, _he heard someone yelling into the depths of his mind. And he gave in.

Tai smiled at his surrender. He knew Matt would have reacted this way. So confused and then so accomplishing. 

He pushed him hard on the couch and went on top of him. Matt had his eyes closed in pleasure, savouring every moment of this. Tai attacked his exposed neck, biting the creamy skin and marking him. Matt groaned and pulled Tai's head closer to him. The brunette withdrew briefly, shutting Matt's protest with a tender but forceful kiss. He asked for permission with his tongue and the blonde opened with reddened lips, letting him. Their tongues battled into Matt's cavity, who moaned in his throat.

Tai's hands found their was through the blonde's shirt, opening every button and caressing the soft chest. Matt broke the kiss, in need of air, and helped Tai taking away the cloth. He was getting dizzy. The brunette undid his belt, then got rid of his jeans. Matt remained still, then freed Tai of his own clothes. They were now just in their underwear, ready to consummate everything laid between them.

*~*~*~*~*

Tai woke up the morning after feeling a hot body next to his. Firstly he was confused, but then he remembered the events of the previous night, and smiled. Matt slept deeply, with his head on Tai's tanned shoulder and with with his arm around his stomach. 

Tai was grateful, he finally had obtained the blonde's affection. He still felt his warm friend gasping beneath him, begging Tai to do something to him; he still remembered how right Matt had felt around him, enveloping him whole with his hot cavity. He now possessed him heart, body and soul. Or at least this was what he hoped.

Little he did know that Matt's last thoughts before falling asleep were direct to Joe.

**~****tsuzuku****~******

Teti= finally finished. I had to split this chapter in two because it was getting long and I'm tired of writing now.

I want, uhm, at least ten reviews before continuing it, for I have very little time and I have to know my work is appreciated ^__^

Now, about the major pairing. In the next chapter there will happen something that will decide how this is going to end. It still follows my idea, but  jut until a point. If I do not decide before writing it, you can vote. If you do not understand this babbling, you'll find out in chapter four


	4. Blurry

Disclaimer= see previous chapters

Teti= did you all think I was dead? :-P na, I'm here safe and sound, for your misfortune *hears groans* I just apologize for, what? the tenth time, for the delaying *begs pardon* 

You all have to thank Sapphire Goddess, who's my main supporter, if I still write. If it wasn't for her, I would never write a word again ;) not that I do not want to, I'm just a lazy bitch, that's all. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter; two more to go! . And again, thanks infinitely to everyone who reviews my stuff, you really make my day ^__~v

Little note: have you noticed lately I tend to name chapters from songs? I have my biggest inspiration right from the music :)

More Taito in this part, for CSMars who's desperate :-P There are continue switches from Tai's to Matt's POV and back. Just felt like it and wanted to describe how they both felt, not just one of them. Lotsa angst and swearing in the last part peeps!

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***I Love You, I Love You Not***

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**~****Blurry****~******

When the sun rose on the city, it was a gloomy and cloudy morning. In the air flapped the distinct scent of rain, which had covered Tokyo during all the night. Two eyelids opened slowly, savouring the scene in front of them. A blonde head was lying on the strong shoulder of their owner, with an arm wrapped around his stomach. Tai could feel Matt's heart-beating clearly, while his breathing was tackling the brunette's chest, in a sweet yet sensual sort of way. How he wished could stay forever just like that, holding the blonde's lithe figure close to him. He kissed softly the golden hair, while he re-closed his eyelids. I shouldn't have done this, he whispered to himself so quietly they were merely a murmur. It wasn't right towards Joe first of all, and then towards Matt, who probably just missed his lover and replaced in his mind Tai with him. This thoughts were hurting him in an indescribable way and the pain he felt was unbearable and fought hard to not let tears flow down his tanned cheek.

_That's it,_ he decided, _I'm going to tell Matt it was just some stupid mistake; after all he won't mind it so much, will he? He will tell Joe, I will explain and we will all live happily ever after…but if it is the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much to even think about doing it?_ He wondered sadly.

A moan behind him made him turn his head, just to face a just-woken-up Matt. Tai couldn't help but smile at the sight of Yamato Ishida, who was always perfect in every little thing, with his hair all over the places, his blue eyes still dizzy and confused and his lips slightly parted. He probably doesn't remember yet what we did last night, Tai realized, and felt relief and anguish overtaking him. Matt yawned deeply, then smiled to Tai and closed his eyes again, with his head still on the brunette's shoulder. 

Tai paled. Why wasn't Matt angry with him? And why he was still sleeping in that position, cuddled near him? He couldn't  find an answer to these questions which were upsetting him deeply; after all, he didn't even have any evidences that Matt liked him in a more than a friend way, that thought had never crossed his mind; he could only see how much Matt and Joe were in love and how much they cared for each other. He was just meddling with the two, obviously in vain. Now, yet, he was feeling a gleam of hope inside of him. Could Matt possibly care for him just as much as he cared for his blue-haired koi? 

"Where is that little mind of yours travelling to, oh Thoughtful One?" the musical blonde's voice called him from behind. Tai turned his head slowly, sighing, fearing the moment where he would have to tell Matt what they did was just a mistake.

"Actually, it was more likely in the kitchen, I'm starving!" Tai lied. _Coward!_

"You're always hungry Tai!" Matt laughed cheerful, then frowned and started to use a serious voice timbre. _This is it, he remembers everything…_the brunette thought sadly.

"Tai, we have to talk about last night's events" Matt began, but then Tai abruptly interrupted him, trying to mend his actions, before the blonde could say anything, might it be good or bad.

"I know you think what we did is wrong, I do too, it was just some big mistake, we were both feeling weird and, well, horny, you can say that; now let's forget this whole mess and try to act as if it never happened, okay?" Tai blurted out, without reflecting, in the hope to settle everything.

Matt looked stunned and hurt. _Hurt? Why should he be hurt?_

"Oh…" he simply said, flatly "If…if you say so, then it must be true" he whispered sadly. He suddenly shook his head, as if he wanted to shrug his pain away and proposed his friend to make breakfast. Matt got u, dressed quickly and left in hurry the bedroom, aiming for the kitchen. 

Tai was speechless. What was Matt sad for? After all, they had adjusted the situation and he could go back into his Joe's arms, leaving Tai behind, the brunette thought bitterly.

But always remained the fact that the younger boy was unhappy, while he should be grateful there hadn't been any consequences. Tai really didn't know what to think or what to do with him.

He walked in the kitchen, just to find Matt staring in his cup intently, not drinking, not saying anything; he was just limp on the chair and didn't even turn to him when Tai entered. 

"Your coffee is in your brown cup, with just a spoon of sugar and milk in it, as you like it" Matt said blankly. Tai murmured a 'thanks', then sat down and drank his favourite morning drink.

The silence fell upon them. For some minutes no one dared to speak a single word, for fear of saying the wrong or the truth. Tai, however, was a merry and talkative person and couldn't stand the loss of words any longer; so he got up brutally and almost yelled to Matt, who was still as quiet as ever. 

"What's wrong with you?! Are you that angry with me that you can't even to bear a conversation with myself?!" Matt lowered his gaze and this made Tai even more furious, if possible. "Look at me when I talk to you! Do you think you are the only one who is hurt? No, my dear, I myself am hurt and sad as well, but I can' and won't ignore you as you do!" he was now literally fuming and a red flush painted on his cheek. The blonde finally raised his eyes and Tai almost gasped at the burden of emotions in those blue pools. In him burned anger and frustration, guilt and anguish and…could it be? Tai didn't want to believe it.

"Now _you _listen to _me_, you little egocentric! How do you think I should fee right now, knowing I have a boyfriend far away from here whom I cheated on, and cheated on consciously, even enjoying it and falling in love with his best friend?!" Matt noticed the terrible truth he had revealed and brought his hands up to cover his mouth. He hadn't mean to tell the brunette _everything_, he had just wanted to knock some sense in that head, but had gone over the edge. Now he knew and he was ruined. Tai would tell Joe and he would lose them both.

He did not want to fall in love with Tai; at first, he hadn't even been attracted to him physically, well, maybe just a little, but that was nothing. It was Joe he cared for, not Tai.

These days spent alone with the brunette, however, had made him notice little particulars about Tai he did not know before; every morning he wondered about his relationship about Joe and surprised himself even for questioning it. Last night's events were the last blow. He could have refused, yet he did not. He liked it, it made him feel wanted and complete, something he hadn't felt for such a long time. Maybe he had known all along what was happening, he just didn't want to accept it, but finally he had come to terms he had to choose over two best friends; he know, whomever he would refuse, will be terribly hurt and their friendship would be broken without repair. 

Tai remained motionless. He couldn't believe his ears. He had not heard what he thought had heard, not at all. It just wasn't imaginable. But he had to know, he _had_ to.

With the most serious expression he had ever worn, he directed to the blonde, squeezed his shoulder and looked at him directly in the eyes. 

"What did you just tell? And I want the full truth" he asked, no, ordered him. matt looked startled, lowered his gaze once again and mumbled something. Tai patiently lifted his chin so they were now face to face and told the blond to repeat loudly and clearly.

Matt sighed and satisfied him. "I said I have fallen in love with Joe's best friend" he quietly explained. Tai almost fell for the shock and for the happiness. He backed down incredulous, dropping his grip on Matt. _Matt was in love with him! Matt was in love with him!_

Matt took Tai's silence and staring for a rejection, as he feared. There, he had told him and now he could say goodbye to his friends. He got up from the chair and was going to his room, when a strong hand grabbed his wrist and turned him around, to face to merry chocolate eyes, which displayed happiness, joy and…love? Before he could think to do anything, a pair of rough lips covered his velvet ones, in a firm yet tender kiss. Matt was astonished, but leaned in the kiss, wrapping his arms around Tai's neck, while the brunette's ones went to encircle his slender waist. 

They kissed for a few second, then parted because they both needed to breath. The new found lovers remained silent for some seconds, then they both burst into laughter and giggles. When the explosion of cheerfulness ended, they cleared each other's feelings towards the other. Tai was amazed at how good Matt hid his and Matt was surprised that the brunette liked him that long, since his first arrive at the university. He had told him that something hit his heart when Matt had told his misadventure at the local, the very first day. If they both wondered what they would do about Joe, for Matt still loved him as before, no one gave any sign. They just enjoyed each other's closeness, living in the present, not the past, not the future, just in the little kitchen in a rainy morning.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The week left to welcome another and Joe's return was close. Matt and Tai didn't seem to mind the moment of confrontation and continued displaying their affection; only Mimi looked troubled: she didn't have a good feeling about this. _Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it…_

Finally Saturday came and with it came the problems: Joe would have been there in the afternoon. Matt was desperate, he still didn't feel like rejecting either of them, especially now he had found Tai, yet he didn't want to hurt Joe's feelings, for he still cared deeply for him. _What should I do? What should I do?_

Even counselling with Mimi were useless, because she did not know how to make the situation easier; it was over her possibilities of helper and, anyway, didn't concern her personally, so she felt as though something by her would be like an intrude in the trio's love life. 

He couldn't possible count on Tai, it wasn't right towards Joe; this was a decision he had to make all alone. 

The morning passed slowly, tantalizing, but when afternoon arrived, it looked too early. Around 5 o' clock, Matt and Tai went to the airport to pick Joe up. When they saw him from the other side of the corridor, the concept of what was going to happen hit them fully. They put on they best smile and welcomed the blue-haired boy.

During all the journey from the airport to the University they just chatted like old friends, about how much they had missed him, about how he had found Tokyo and the staying; Matt and Tai had completely forgotten their troubles.

Joe entered the apartment with a gleam of merriness in his dark eyes and sighed happily. He placed his truck on his bed and told his friends he was going to have a relaxing shower and could continue their conversation later. Just when he stepped in the bathroom Mimi came running and hugged him almost to death. 

"Joe!!! You just don't know how much I missed you!! Now you've got to tell me everything, in the minimal details!" exclaimed the ever cheerful seventeen-year-old girl. 

"I missed you too Mimi" he answered her sincerely "and I would love to chat if you would please let me go". Mimi smiled sheepishly and dropped her grip, but seeing as he was with just a towel on (Oh my poor innocent eyes!) she decided to talk later.

When he left, in the living room there were only her, Matt and Tai. She looked at them knowingly, they were in an awful situation and did not know how to get out of that scrape. She understood, however, that they had to talk, the sooner the better, she said to herself, so she thought about a dinner in a restaurant that evening to celebrate Joe's return. Matt and Tai both agreed and, when Joe went back, explained the idea to him, who was more then enthusiast.

That evening everything was going well, too well reflected Mimi. And she still couldn't get that odd feeling out of her. 

They had gone to an Irish pub and had ordered four beers, chips and hamburgers; there were many people and they had found difficulty in looking for a free table. Now they were all sat there, laughing and joking, drinking and eating; it looked a normal party, yet the true gift for the feasted had yet to arrive. It was now almost midnight and the talkative mood had died: the bomb had to be dropped then. 

Matt sighed quietly and looked at Joe directly in the eyes. 

"Joe…there's something I have to tell you…" he began, uncertain. Mimi and Tai made him a gesture to go on; Joe visibly paled: he had known there was something wrong, and this had to be what Matt was going to tell him. He didn't know if he wanted to find it out or not, but listened to him.

"Well…I…uhm…" Matt couldn't find the words to tell his boyfriend he was in love with both him and his best really attractive friend. Tai decided to confront him himself, so he interrupted Matt.

"Matt and I have fallen in love with each other, even though he still loves you as ever. Now he has to decide who he wants the most" he said calmly.

Matt, Mimi and Joe were wide-eyed and their jaws had dropped to the floor. The former two for the way he had said such a delicate revelation, the last one for the revelation. It wasn't true. No, no, no, Matt would never do something like that to him, not in thousand lives.

"Matt…it's not true…please tell me it's not true…" he pleaded him, while tears were forming in his eyes. The blond broke their staring and nodded slowly, not even looking in his direction. And then the pain left Joe, substituted by an anger he had never thought he could possess. He jumped on his chair, while the blood ran fast through his dark face.

"And when were you planning to tell me this?! You just had to wait the day I came back from a seminar during which all I thought about was _you_" he said pointing accusatory to Matt "while probably _you_" to Tai "were fucking him senselessly! Did you like feeling him beneath you, while you were doing things to him? Was he pretty when he was moaning and begging you for more?" he continued, cruelly.

Matt plugged his ears with his hands, not wanting to hear anything else; he was in a deep despair and felt he deserved all Joe's fury. He always hurt those who were near him. Tai was startled at Joe's reaction, but when he saw Matt in such misery, he lost it. Joe had no right to pain him in that way, he told himself! 

He stood up and confronted the wrathful lover, while Mimi was trying to comfort Matt. As in it wasn't enough, Joe attacked even her, astonishing everybody.

"You!" he had said her "You knew everything and never said anything, you fucking bitch! How dare you to call yourself a friend?!"

Mimi felt tears flow down her face; how could she do anything, she didn't want to hurt anyone!

When Matt saw that Mimi was crying, he didn't stand it anymore. He abruptly got up and stormed off the pub. Joe and Tai yelled a 'look what you did!' at each other and ran after him, followed slowly by a very convulsed Mimi.

When they almost reached him, they stopped, paralysed by the horror. They saw the scene slowly, like in a movie.

Matt was running blindly.

He didn't see a car coming towards him at full speed.

When he noticed it, it was too late.

The vehicle hit him and sent him to the other side of the street, not even stopping to see what damage he had provoked. Mimi, Tai and Joe were still frozen, watching horrified their friend being crashed down and not moving anymore. The moment of shock quickly faded and they hastened to see if he was all right, which they strongly doubted.

Mimi arrived there first and checked for a pulse. Luckily, there was still one, but it was slowly thinning out. She yelled for help and noticed with terror that Matt was losing blood from his head. "Matt…" she shook him " Matt, please wake up…don't…don't do this to me…to us…I know you're just joking, aren't you? You make tricks to me all the time, so you must be joking now too…" she swallowed hard, her tears flowing once again. Why wasn't he waking up?!

Meanwhile, Tai and Joe arose and fell to their knees. This was all their fault…all their fault…

"Help!!! Help!!!! Please, please help me!!!" Mimi was screaming hysteric. Trying to regain control over his body, Joe picked up his mobile phone and telephoned to the hospital, saying to hurry sending an ambulance. He then said to Mimi to not touch the blonde anymore: in his spinal cord was damaged, even a little movement could be lethal. 

The three all sat near him, waiting for the aids to arrive, waiting for him to wake up, waking for all to end. 

**~****tsuzuku****~******

Teti= this is the longest chapter by far, I hope it is as good as the others. Liked the cliffhanger? This happens to who listens Nirvana non-stop all the day like myself ^__~ gotta love them!

I want…uhm…how old am I? 15? 15 reviews before continue, 'kay? Arigatou!!!!!                                                                                                  


	5. Open your Eyes

Disclaimer= enough with this already!

Teti= ookay people, this took so long because first I got stuck writing 'Iris', then ff.net crashed and afterwards I went on holiday for a whole month. It's a miracle this is up! And I yet have to learn to use that damn label thing ****

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***I Love You, I Love You Not***

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**~****Open your Eyes****~******

_Matt was running blindly._

_He didn't see a car coming towards him at full speed._

_When he noticed it, it was too late._

_The vehicle hit him and sent him to the other side of the street, not even stopping to see what damage he had provoked. Mimi, Tai and Joe were still frozen, watching horrified their friend being crashed down and not moving anymore. The moment of shock quickly faded and they hastened to see if he was all right, which they strongly doubted._

_Mimi arrived there first and checked for a pulse. Luckily, there was still one, but it was slowly thinning out. She yelled for help and noticed with terror that Matt was losing blood from his head. "Matt…" she shook him " Matt, please wake up…don't…don't do this to me…to us…I know you're just joking, aren't you? You make tricks to me all the time, so you must be joking now too…" she swallowed hard, her tears flowing once again. Why wasn't he waking up?!_

_Meanwhile, Tai and Joe arose and fell to their knees. This was all their fault…all their fault…_

_"Help!!! Help!!!! Please, please help me!!!" Mimi was screaming hysteric. Trying to regain control over his body, Joe picked up his mobile phone and telephoned to the hospital, saying to hurry sending an ambulance. He then said to Mimi to not touch the blonde anymore: if his spinal cord was damaged, even a little movement could be lethal. _

The three all sat near him, waiting for the aids to arrive, waiting for him to wake up, waiting for all to end 

The scene was playing over and over in the mind of three shocked youths, while they were running at full speed in an hospital ambulance, arrived after few minutes Joe had phoned them. Now they were like paralysed, couldn't move, speak o even think. For the very first time in their lives, they felt completely useless. Here there was Matt, lying unconscious, and neither Tai, Joe nor Mimi could do anything to help him, except watching him and hoping everything would be okay. 

Mimi was holding her best friend's pale hand, not wanting to let go. She firmly believed he could feel her touch and nothing could make her change her mind. Tai looked the ghost of himself; he, who usually was so cheerful and full of life, now had a blank look painted on his vacuous dark face. He felt responsible for Matt's accident, as well as Joe, who was just as desperate as him. 

The race to the hospital last a short time which, anyway, felt like an eternity in the passengers' eyes. When they arrived the nurses prohibited them to follow Matt in the operating-theatre and made them sit down in the waiting room. 

The hours went slowly by and not a word was passed between them.  Mimi didn't weep anymore but, with her reddened hazelnut eyes, was staring at the wall, saying nothing at all, yet her silence spoke more than mere words. She didn't blame them for what had happened to Matt, or at least this was what she wanted to believe and to make Tai and Joe believe. Under this façade laid hidden a pang of anger, that, with the hurt and the distress, was growing into a feeling of hatred and rancour which were wearing her heart away, slowly but continuously. Matt was her only family and if he too slipped away from her, she didn't know what she would do…

Mimi's unconscious coldness was very apparent to the two guys, even though she hadn't realized it yet. Just the lack of words was unusual in her and this, added to Matt's accident, spoke clearly. She believed rightly it was their fault and the two couldn't blame her. They both believed it too. _My fault, my fault, all my fault_, both mused numbly, sinking in a deep net of anguish and guilt. No one exchanged a word in the next never ending minutes, where silence, fear and bewilderment ruled undisturbed, playing with their minds. 

It was all so surreal, so unnatural. Like a drama seen in a theatre, where you just watch and maybe, just maybe, you feel saddened, but you're grateful it's only fiction, nothing real. Like those tragedies where thousand of people die due to a natural cataclysm but you don't feel particularly touched by it, because it is just a number, you know none of the deceased, you do not suffer for a loss. Or like those incurable illnesses you do not pay much attention to but pray to yourself to never get or see on your beloved's faces.

 As watching something distant, it was what Tai, Mimi and Joe felt during those marking moments, moments, which would forge them for the rest of their now seemingly useless lives.

Tai sighed, not standing the pressure anymore, and stood up, trying to lessen the heavy burden of pain he was carrying on his not used to shoulders. Never had he felt such loneliness, such aridity and desolation in his usually cheerful heart. He felt lost in a winter snow storm, completely alone and abandoned by everything and everyone. Never had he loathed himself like that before, regretting every stolen look, every longed smile, touch or kiss. Never had he wanted to turn back time and settle whatever wrong thing he had committed to deserve such a punishment. Or maybe, maybe this was all a prank, yeah, it had to, Joe wanted to make him pay, so he had organized this and Matt and Mimi knew about it all time long! It had to…

No, he crushed, it was not a trick behind his back, he had to face to truth, deal with it once, not run away and hide like he always did. There, he had the solution: if Matt ever made it, _he *will* made it, you dumbass, _he would have let him go. Now and forever. 

Joe didn't miss the flicker of distress in his companion's troubled eyes, for he was suffering the sme grief. There lay the one person he cherished the most in the whole world, cold, dieing, that one person he swore to protect till the end of time, but yet couldn't even same from a stupid, stupid accident. It was not Matt that had to suffer, he did no deserve to suffer! Only he, Joe, only he was to blame…it should have been him…to lie down in the hospital…maybe for the last time. Suddenly he remembered when Matt confided him that he loathed hospitals; the blue haired man smiled at the thought, but that trace of brightness soon left his face as soon as reality again kicked in. No, he shook his head vigorously, not _loathed_, _loathes_, present tense, present tense! Matt was still alive, wasn't he, wasn't he? He was…he was…_he is_…

The three boys waited patiently the doctor to come out, to finally renew their hopes or crash them, waiting for anything expect for the silence and the ignorance. They felt so little, everything they knew before now had no more a sense. Why bother learning, studying and working, why bother trying to find new ways to live comfortably, if, in the 21st century, even a car accident could throw away their existences? Why, in the age when everything was so advanced and perfectly 'safe', then why still was death like this? Why did men feel so powerful?

Unconsciously Mimi was rocking on her chair, while tears began rolling fast down her face, staring dumbly at the room Matt had entered yet still not gone out from. She wasn't thinking anymore, just kept on repeat that Matt was fine, yeah, he was the strongest boy she had ever know, he could make it, _had _to make it…he didn't have the right the leave her alone like that…

*~*~*~*~*

Tai sighed. It had almost been two hours since their arrival at the hospital, but there still were no news about the blond. His heart had lost all the hope and now was waiting just for the final blow to finally crash. Leaning against a wall, he watched carefully his companions and felt his chest tightening once more. He had caused their grief and they would never be able to forgive him if…if…The brunette could not finish the sentence, the pain was too much to bear.

Eyeing absent-mindedly the green door that held their breaths he noticed that the red light above had turned to the same colour of the door below. Green. Never he had felt happier to see that shade of colour, never in his life, for he disliked it. Now, he thanked everyone who had invented it. Carried in his own train of thoughts, he barely perceived the doctors entering the waiting room, before going and crush them down, to get the answers that were tearing him, and them, apart.

The surgeon, after almost being knocked out by an unstoppable Taichi Kamiya, calmly told the 'guests' to sit down. They all paled. The old man took a deep breath and informed them about Matt's welfare state. 

"I am not going to lie to you, kids. Your friend was in a very, very dangerous state. We believed we would have lost him, but, surprisingly, he made it. He is a very strong person" the doctor said, smiling sweetly, then turned serious again "The problem is, he hit his head badly when he fell on the asphalt. He had several ribs broken, plus many bruises all over his body and his right knee got crashed by the collision with the vehicle" Mimi gasped and broke down, hearing about how much Matt had suffered; Joe, yet, felt this was only the minimum damage and an horrible thought was floating in his mind.

"But? There must be something else, sir" he told the surgeon. The said man sighed and continued 

"But these were only the minor injuries. When he hit his head he got a severe concussion…he may be in an irreversible coma and we don't know if he will ever wake up" he concluded, feeling a lump in his throat. He too had lost a son in a car accident and had sworn to himself he wouldn't allow other people feel the pain he had endured. 

Tai, Mimi and Joe had a blank, numb look written all over their young faces. Coma? How was that possible? How could someone be in a coma for a little hit? Denial and anguish swept in their eyes, so bright, yet so empty. Mimi was the first to recover.

"When might we visit him?" she asked so quietly that the doctor nearly didn't hear her whisper. He did, and told her they could go see Matt the day after, for he had to rest, due to the extremely delicate surgery he had just faced. She nodded slowly, then asked if they had any available room for her for the night: she didn't want to leave her blond friend, even for a few hours. The man was going to deny but, seeing the desperate look she wore, accomplished her little request with a twinkle in his grey eyes. He told her there was a brand new free one, with enough room for only one person though. She agreed quickly, and Tai and Joe didn't even quarrel for its possession: they both knew Mimi had to be in it, she deserved it much more than them. Wishing her goodnight, they quietly left and headed for the University.

No one said a word, fearing the angry reaction of the other; they both blamed themselves for what had happened and both believed to deserve to be treated coldly. They reached their room, Tai, Joe and _Matt_'s, and sat in the kitchen. The two stayed still for another whole hour, then Tai, too tired to even think, went to bed, still saying nothing. He didn't sleep, yet, just gazed off, not really paying attention to the other one in the apartment. He remained that way until darkness finally claimed him and he fell in a restless and troubled sleep. The same couldn't be said for they older boy. Actually, he did fall asleep a few times, but it didn't last more than 10 minutes. The pale and unseeing face that belonged to Matt always came to haunt him, and he'd awake with a muffled cry. 

The morning arrived soon and the empty shells of the two boys got up from wherever they'd been resting to face a new, hard day. Still there were no words. And the tension between them was getting unbearable. They quickly showered and dressed, then departed to the hospital. Both, yet not together. When they arrived, which was still early for everyone else, there was an odd stillness. It sounded so unreal, so fabulous, and they wondered if they were still dreaming. Shrugging the weird feeling, they went to the reception to see in which room Matt was resting. The confusion of the previous night hadn't reminded them of this little detail. Once they knew, they headed straight off. There were so many corridors, stairs, room…it felt like they were in a labyrinth, with no way out. Finally they reached their more-than-a-friend's room. Before entering, they peeped up, to check in there was anyone. There was. Mimi. Sitting on a chair next to the bed, holding Matt's hand like there were no tomorrow, afraid he might possibly slip away from her. Barely hearing the door moving, she turned her head to greet the two she held responsible for the tragedy, with a cold nod. 

"Any improvement?" asked Tai. Mimi shrugged. Tai dropped his eyes. Joe felt a pang in his heart watching the tiredness in Mimi's amber orbs, but felt completely crashed when he looked at Matt. Dull was the only word that fitted him. The blond man looked so small, in that white and light blue bed, with the IV attached to his left arm and a mask to his reddened mouth, to help him breathe. Breathe. Something everyone took for granted, yet he had to be helped to perform. His skin was paler than usual, a ghostly-grey shade of colour and his cheeks were hollow. If not for the light rising of his chest, he'd been rightly mistaken for a lifeless body. 

Tai gasped, seeing only now the state Matt was in, then broke down, for it was too much, even for him. Joe and Mimi stared, stunned, at him while he wept his heart out. Tai had *never* let a single tear fall, for all they've known. Yet here he was, crying like a little lost child, which he felt like. Surprisingly, Mimi rose from her chair and hugged him tightly, not speaking, just letting him know she felt the same grief and they'd have to face it together. Tai relaxed in her embrace and wept on her shoulders. Trembling, Joe posed an hand on his arm, letting the sorrow wash over him , watching Mimi in the eyes, while his own were too watering. She smiled at him warmly and all of them remained still for a seemingly endless time, all of them united by an only pain, all of them trying to help each other. In a silent agreement, they had forgiven themselves and now stood unite for Matt, whose only guilt was being too caring, gorgeous and amazing. When Tai had calmed, they let go and he excused himself for being such a child, wiping his tears off. He got no answers, but he knew they fully understood him and supported him. He grinned in his usual cocky manner and they smiled back. 

A small moan behind them caught their attention and they turned quickly to Matt, bewildered. Maybe there was some hope, maybe there was…some minutes went by slowly, but they didn't even notice it, too busy watching carefully every sign of life Matt might give. Nothing. But that moan, they had heard it, they were positive, it wasn't their imagination. Matt had moaned. Matt could make it.

*~*~*~*~*

One week had passed and there still were no improvements. The hope the guys had gained with that little moan had nearly vanished, if there wasn't Mimi to remind them. She was the hope itself, always ready to help with a nice word, a laughter, or even with just a smile. She had forgiven them wholly, and she was sincere. The forgiveness came straight from her heart and the two bys were truly grateful for it. They, yet, had not completely forgiven themselves yet, especially where they were alone with Matt or at night. They didn't feel as miserable as the first days, but still there was guilt and spite towards themselves. And they still kept the decision to let Matt go, has hard as it might seem. Now, if only he would wake up.

Everyday they would go in his room and talk to him, telling him jokes, gossips, or simply chatting with him about everything and nothing at all, firmly convinced he could hear them,

At the beginning of the second week in the hospital, the situation was the same. No improvements nor worsening. Like the time hadn't passed. One afternoon, as usual, they were all in the room, Tai and Joe reading some magazines and Mimi chatting cheerfully about this hot guy she had once seen at the mall.

"Hotter than me?" asked a small, husky voice. The world froze. Tai, Mimi and Joe run to Matt. He wasn't moving, but he had spoken, he *had* spoken!

"Matt?" said Tai. No answers. "Matt?" still no answers.

"Matt? Come on man, I know you can hear us, come on, please open your eyes, Matt, please!" he nearly cried.

And open his eyes Matt did.

***tsuzuku***

Teti: I know, only almost two week is few for an irreversible coma, but bear with me. My, this chapter was hard. And I didn't like a bit. Oh well…


End file.
